Now how can this be? I know him so well. I’ve known him for so long. I love him so much.
I wasn’t quite sure that I recognized him, the sweet and animated face of this beloved person. It hadn’t been that long. A few months? But even so.
Looking at him I felt the angles shifting, a real-life Picasso, cubist period. He seemed to be changing before my eyes. Squint as I might I couldn’t get a clear view. I was shy and awkward. He grinned anyway. My boy.
It didn’t quite make sense. I should have been able to see him clearly, to recognize him! I kept his photos close, looked at them often. But then really I should have known.
Photos don’t tell the whole story but rather the stories we want them to tell. I look at my own photo, my profile shot, the image of myself that I want all of you to know me by. It was taken on a good day where I look relatively thin and my hair is reasonably neat. My cat, Big Nick, is not expressing utter devotion but actually demanding lunch. My photo is not just my presentation of myself, but my shield. You’ll know me by what I want you to know. As Wilfred Sheed once said of author Clare Boothe Luce, “She crafted herself a myth and lived up to her invented creation. “ Don’t we all?
We primp, we post and we manipulate shots for best angles covering ourselves in photos like a Roman phalanx heading into battle, their overlapping shields an impenetrable barrier to the coming onslaught.
And why not? Why not, indeed.
After our wedding I actually refused to look at the wedding photographs for months. I was afraid if I looked at the photos my own memories might get lost. They were not. And so I remember:
*That there were lilacs strewn everywhere and the scent, as always, was intoxicating.
*The sheer terror that overcame me before I walked down the aisle.
*My husband’s adorable and scrunched face when he had to take a bite of vanilla wedding cake when he yearned for chocolate.
*The swoon that nearly overcame me as I circled my husband under the huppah. Or perhaps I swooned from something else entirely?
*The solitary wedding guest, hidden away in small room, who spotted me and thinking me lost at my own wedding, invited me to share her slice of cake.
Not one of these images is captured on film but they are still firmly etched in my memory. I am so grateful.
And yet, I think, all of us deserve the right, if we so choose, to protect ourselves with the images we want to present to the world. But sometimes, maybe even often, that protection can be a barrier to what many of us want even more. To truly know and connect with those we love most. To remember things in a way that even with a photographic record we might otherwise not.
And so to my boy, shifting and changing before my eyes. The person behind the photos. He was still there. I knew it for sure the moment he hugged me hello.
2 thoughts on “NOW HOW CAN THIS BE?”
This post reminds me of my mother. I own a few photos of her where she is happy and smiling–usually because she didn’t know someone was taking her pic. She would freeze and look uncomfortable when a posed pic was taken. It was like she didn’t want to see herself for fear she wouldn’t be perfect. It has taken me years to feel comfortable in pics myself. I love the pic of you and your cat! Your expression says it all:).
Thanks, Kay for you lovely comments.
It’s quite true I think: there are many very beautiful people (including celebrities) who cannot bear to see themselves in photos. A disconnect with how they would like to be presented to the world as opposed to reality? I’m not sure. You should tackle this one! Thanks for reading and thank you for the many pleasures and insights I’ve had reading your blog.
Sent from my iPhone
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