She was oh so very very difficult. Did she like me, care for me, consider me? I was never quite sure. She held me at distance, kept me off balance. Her temper was a landmine waiting to be be tripped. I had learned to be careful. I knew to be careful. Time after time I ground my teeth together not to bite the bait. It was complicated and I knew it. After all, we both loved the same man. Her son. My husband.
We lost her a year ago.
In spite of all antagonisms and all misunderstandings, or perhaps because of them, I asked to write her eulogy. This is what I said on a frozen January day, 2016.
She was a woman who dressed to go grocery shopping, who dressed to go to the movies, who dressed to go for a walk in the park.
A bag to match each pair of shoes. Everything just so.
Broadway matinees on Wednesday at 2. A ruffled scoop of black raspberry at the Howard Johnson’s counter. The uptown subway home.
Always two slices of cake for Dad for his morning coffee break, veal cutlets or potted chicken for dinner, hamburgers fresh cooked for her hungry son at midnight.
Not a hair out of place nor an drawer. overstuffed. And yet,
To feed hungry and homeless cats, She could arc a meatball from her balcony to the parking lot with a curve that would have made Sandy Koufax proud.
Photographs of her grandsons were framed in gilt.
Joel listened when she insisted. Had he not, we never would have met.
“So what are you waiting for, “ she demanded. “ask her to marry you. “
To be honest. To be fair therefore, I owe her my life, our happiness. Our boys.
To my mother-in-law, a woman to be reckoned with, my eternal thanks, deep appreciation and love.
Eulogy for Lillian Schwartz Frank, z”l.
I wasn’t expecting what happened next.
Last weekend. A new house, an old suitcase. Flipping the latches I found a box of photos.
Was it really her? I squinted just to be sure. Oh my goodness. It was.
The photograph had been taken in the 1950s. She is sitting on a park bench. It’s a lovely shot. But it’s her face that stunned me, her smile that cut me to the quick. There is a sweetness, an openness, a generosity and simple beauty in that face that I never saw, that I’d yearned to see when I knew her.
Had I truly missed the signals of who she was completely? Had I arrogantly and woefully misjudged her? Or had she changed so by the time I knew her that the woman in photo was stuck in time to be replaced by someone else? If so, what had happened, what had changed her?
I found that photo on her yahrzeit , the first anniversary of her passing. Maybe just coincidence. Maybe not. Was she reaching out to us? If so, to say just what?
I don’t know. But I can reach back. On that day I uttered the words of Kaddish for Lillian Frank, my mother-in-law. The words of Kaddish, the prayer for the departed, is not what most people expect. The translation of the prayer, from the Aramaic, is herewith:
Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world
which He has created according to His will.
May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days,
and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon;
and say, Amen.
May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.
Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored,
adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He,
beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that
are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.
May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
He who creates peace in His celestial heights,
may He create peace for us and for all Israel;
and say, Amen.
translation from myjewishlearning.com
There are praises to God throughout the Kaddish, and a fervent prayer for peace. It is that peace that I wish for my mother-in-law, for myself a renewed call for openness and for understanding.
7 thoughts on “Post #63: Yahrzeit”
So beautiful…..and so peaceful.
Thank you, Donna. Very hard for me to write this piece.
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I have no words, Cindy, that are nearly as eloquent and heartfelt as yours. But thank you for sharing this, all I can say is that it touched me deeply.
Thank you, Ann. It’s interesting- I had such a hard time with my mother-in-law during her life. She was so angry, so vicious that for a lot of the time I didn’t want to refer to her as my anything. I used to say that we have a choice I our lives, do we try to make our lives a blessing or live as a cautionary tale? I was certain that my mother-in-law’s life served as as a cautionary tale. What I didn’t expect, what I learned, was that in a way it served as a cautionary tale for me. Thank you so much for reading and for commenting so sensitively.
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You see things clearly that the rest of sunniest guess at. And that’s why I love your blog. I re ember the post you wrote when she died, and I’m so glad you followed it up with this one. I think your mother in law must have been a complicated person, and good for you for recognizing that.
Well , darn, that was supposed to say “only guessed”. I hate auto correct!